More anxiety?

I want to let you guys in on a little secret: I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with my life. Yes, I am in my third year of university, studying marine biology in Australia, but so what? Do I actually know what I am going to do with my marine biology education when I am done here? No, I don't and that absolutely terrifies me. You all see this trip as me furthering my education, and yea, I guess it is. But at the same time, I don't want to falsely exude that I have my life planned out, because it's far from it. Yes, I love the ocean and yes, I want to live near the beach, but what do I want to pursue as my career? You tell me.

To some this could be seen as an absolute waste of money, and technically it is. Why pay for an education that you're not going to use? But that's the thing, I hope I'll use it and what's more powerful than hope? It's just for right now, to me, the future is terrifying. Being on my own is terrifying. Taxes. Health insurance. Debt. Rent. Responsibility. I can't handle it sometimes. I don't know how to not want to cancel plans right after I make them. I don't know how to start a conversation with someone or maintain a friendship. I am not ambitious, although I try to pretend to be.

I guess the reason that I'm writing this, is because I feel that some people have a false view of who I am. I care about a lot of things, the happiness of others, the safety of the environment and its natural inhabitants, educating people about different diseases, mental and physical. But there is so much more about me that you don't see. You don't see me making up excuses for cancelling plans or not going to job interviews because I'm terrified out of my mind. You don't see me sitting in my room thinking that everything that I've ever wanted will come to me if I just sit and wait. You don't see me crying in the bathroom because I was five minutes late to class and too terrified to walk in late.

I try to be strong, and I often try to create an image of myself that's a little skewed. Sometimes I wonder what everyone would think about me if they got to see my life in a movie. You would stop after five minutes because all I do is sit on the computer on Tumblr or watching YouTube videos that I've already seen 10x. I'm not entirely sure why I'm writing this. There are just some things that I needed to get off of my chest and out of my head. They have been swarming around in there for ages and I've never really had the platform to let them out. This was all written in one go, and I am not going to go back and read it through to proof-read it because I probably will decide not to publish it. But there you go, another look into the mind of an anxiety ridden 20 year old.

Social anxiety summed up in two photos: